#7: Elevator Riders Who Don't Push Their Own Button

I could post thousands of entries about breaches in elevator etiquette, but there's one particular faux pas that's really pissing me off today: people who march in to the elevator and just expect someone else to push the button for them. This is especially annoying when the person is on a cell phone and dressed in bigshot clothing. For those a-holes, I almost expect a tip from them when they leave, because clearly I am being treated as their subordinate, a nothing, a nobody. (The tip would probably be a $1 bill, though, because, while their shoes are Jimmy Choos and cost $1,000, they are cheap when it comes to rewarding people who provide services for them.)

Here's a tip for everyone reading (which, I'll be the first to admit, is probably nobody): push your own goddamn button when you get into the elevator, and if someone does push it for you, remove your stupid-ass Bluetooth from your head long enough to make eye contact with the person who just did you a favor, and say "Thank you".

Jerk.

#6: Self-Important Older College Students

When one thinks of a college campus, younger kids come to mind: late teens, early twenties. But there are also people of other ages attending, whether they are in their thirties or in their seventies. And I say kudos to them for going back to school; it's important to keep learning all throughout your life.

Inevitably, however, there are those who show up in business suits and those stupid wheeling backpacks with the adjustable handles. I understand some people are coming straight from work. When I have on-campus classes, I usually have to show up in my work clothes, too. But why the backpack on wheels? WHY?

Backpacks on wheels are stupid. They make it look like you are trying seem more important than you are because your backpack is basically a glorified suitcase. Ooh, look at you, you're a business traveler! When I see those ugly things, I think just one thing: you are too goddamn lazy to carry a backpack, so you roll it around with you everywhere instead.

I hate your backpack on wheels and I hate you.

#5: Jay Mohr

This one is for Gen.

Ok, Jay Mohr, we get it. You're multi-talented. You have careers in comedy, sports, and film. You're a big shot. You have a skinny wife with huge, fish-like lips (which, I hear, is all the rage these days). So we're supposed to swoon? Please. You aren't funny. No, really. You're not. Your Christopher Walken impersonation sucks. Your Adam Sandler impersonation sucks. You aren't funny! Do you know what's funnier than you? Everything. Date rape is funnier than you. Hell, I'd even yuk it up at war crimes and genocide before I laughed at a joke you told. By the way, the only decent movies you've been in were 200 Cigarettes and Go, and trust me when I say they weren't good because of your cinematic contributions.

Also, your face is stupid. It makes me angry just to look at you. So do the world a favor: kick yourSELF in the shins, and go the fuck away.

#4: Bathroom Lollygaggers

This is for all the people who take their time in the bathroom when there is someone in there who is trying to take a shit in peace: fuck you!!!

Picture it: you have to poop really, really bad. You rush in only to find someone else already in one of the stalls, so you pee and then test out the poop by trying to do it really quietly. But it's impossible. It's one of those really loud poops that involves lots of farting and possibly grunting. So you wait it out, figuring that The Other Person will be gone soon and then you can make as much noise as you want. Only The Other Person doesn't leave. Maybe they are doing the same thing as you, waiting for some privacy to really let loose. Or maybe they are in there picking their nose and avoiding their boss for awhile. Either way, you're stuck with them. To make matters worse, new people keep coming in. You've been waiting so long, you start counting, 8, 9, 10 people. Neither you nor The Other Person has budged. Things are starting to get serious. Your ass just might explode and The Other Person doesn't even care! And the thought of just going ahead and pooping with someone right next to you is too horrible to imagine.

So you start clearing your throat. Shuffling your feet. Muttering to yourself "get the fuck out!" not quite loud enough for them to hear, but hoping they do. And still, nothing. You can hear The Other Person breathing, muttering under their breath too. Then you hear the pages of a book or magazine. Is The Other Person actually READING in the bathroom while you are enduring terrible stomach cramps and willing your anus not to open like a floodgate? Unbelievable. Now you are really mad. You pull out some toilet paper and tear it off really loudly. Bang your elbow against the stall door. Sigh loudly. Just barely talk yourself out of screaming "get out!!!!"

Finally you've waited so long that 1) you're worried your boss might notice your absence, and 2) you don't even have to go that badly anymore, so with a loud noise of disgust ("UGH!"), you wipe and step out of the stall. As you wash your hands and glare unabashedly at the stall occupied by The Other Person, you hear them zipping up their pants and flushing. Filled with equal parts hatred ("why couldn't they have left earlier?!?") and fear ("oh my god, I can't let them see who I am!"), you dry your hands on a tiny shred of paper towel and run out of the bathroom.

Bathroom Lollygagger: 1
Me: 0

#3: Elevator Small-Talkers

We've all been there. It's not even 8am (or what I refer to as "ass o'clock"), you didn't sleep well last night, and it's a miracle you even dragged your sorry self in to the office at all. You approach the elevator and feel your heart sink as you realize you won't be getting to ride up those few floors to your office alone this morning. And even worse, the person you have to share that ride with is cheery, bubbly, caffeinated, friendly, and, oh God... wants to talk to you.

You give them a feeble smile and then try to busy yourself with your iPod (I can't hear you!) or your purse (I'm busy!), or even stare straight ahead (I'm blocking you out!), but still they persist. The conversation always consists of lame, obvious comments about the weather, or how it's Monday and isn't that too bad, and did you have a nice weekend?

Finally you reach your destination and you bolt out of there, desperate for the annoying person to just...shut...up already. But of course they have to yell after you "take care!" or "have a nice day!" or, worst of all, "see you around, kiddo!". You might have been willing to forgive them all their stupid chatter despite your obvious discomfort at the conversation and your unwillingness to participate in it, but that last exclamation puts you over the edge, and you vow to burn the whole building down with everyone in it...or, more realistically, hate this person until the day you die.

Or at least until you get some damn coffee.

#2: Movies With Animal Abuse as Comedy

Oh, look! Someone just threw a cat across the room and it made a screeching "reow!" noise as it flew by. How hilarious! It just never gets old!

Ugh.

I've never found simulated animal abuse even remotely funny. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Joe's Apartment, Problem Child, Idle Hands, There's Something About Mary, Dumb & Dumber, A Christmas Story, the list of (really crappy) films featuring animal abuse goes on and on. My dad can't be the only one laughing here if this is repeated in film after film as a comedic element. What's the deal? Granted, these types of films are often lowbrow, ridiculous physical comedies. But still. Why is this supposed to be funny?

(Feel free to suggest other films featuring "funny" animal abuse. I know there are tons of others, but oddly enough, I Googled and couldn't find a list of them anywhere.)

#1: Ugly Christmas Sweater Wearers

While ugly Christmas sweater parties are all the rage these days (and rightly so; who doesn't love ironically sporting something they hate?), it's the people who wear ugly Christmas sweaters in earnest that deserve a kick in the shins. I can tolerate someone wearing one on December 24th or 25th (I'm talking about you, all the women in my family), but the people who wear them all season long? No, no, no!!! These are the people who always have the most hideous sweaters of them all: they are bedazzled, or they actually light up, and are almost always accompanied by cutesy, stupid Christmas earrings: light bulbs, snowmen, Christmas trees, Santa Clauses.

Do us all a favor and shove a Charlie Brown Christmas tree up your ass. 'Tis the season.