This is for all the people who take their time in the bathroom when there is someone in there who is trying to take a shit in peace: fuck you!!! Picture it: you have to poop really, really bad. You rush in only to find someone else already in one of the stalls, so you pee and then test out the poop by trying to do it really quietly. But it's impossible. It's one of those really loud poops that involves lots of farting and possibly grunting. So you wait it out, figuring that The Other Person will be gone soon and then you can make as much noise as you want. Only The Other Person doesn't leave. Maybe they are doing the same thing as you, waiting for some privacy to really let loose. Or maybe they are in there picking their nose and avoiding their boss for awhile. Either way, you're stuck with them. To make matters worse, new people keep coming in. You've been waiting so long, you start counting, 8, 9, 10 people. Neither you nor The Other Person has budged. Things are starting to get serious. Your ass just might explode and The Other Person doesn't even care! And the thought of just going ahead and pooping with someone right next to you is too horrible to imagine.
So you start clearing your throat. Shuffling your feet. Muttering to yourself "get the fuck out!" not quite loud enough for them to hear, but hoping they do. And still, nothing. You can hear The Other Person breathing, muttering under their breath too. Then you hear the pages of a book or magazine. Is The Other Person actually READING in the bathroom while you are enduring terrible stomach cramps and willing your anus not to open like a floodgate? Unbelievable. Now you are really mad. You pull out some toilet paper and tear it off really loudly. Bang your elbow against the stall door. Sigh loudly. Just barely talk yourself out of screaming "get out!!!!"
Finally you've waited so long that 1) you're worried your boss might notice your absence, and 2) you don't even have to go that badly anymore, so with a loud noise of disgust ("UGH!"), you wipe and step out of the stall. As you wash your hands and glare unabashedly at the stall occupied by The Other Person, you hear them zipping up their pants and flushing. Filled with equal parts hatred ("why couldn't they have left earlier?!?") and fear ("oh my god, I can't let them see who I am!"), you dry your hands on a tiny shred of paper towel and run out of the bathroom.
Bathroom Lollygagger: 1
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You have just described to a tee a scenario that I experience all the time, right down to the lound tearing of toilet paper and the other person reading! Hilarious! One of my other huge pet peeves is the bathroom tooth-brusher who thinks it's appropriate to sit in the bathroom and brush their teeth for four hours while I'm trying to do my business.
ReplyDeleteJust drop a deuce, woman!! You're only human!!
ReplyDeleteHaha. Great pics.
ReplyDeleteI believe we may have shared a restroom together. Did you happen to leave a titantic sized piece of poop in the handicapped stall at my work the other day? I attempted to be brave and flush the thing but one flush didn't work and I was too grossed out to attempt a second flush. Fear also set in because co-workers entering the restroom after me may have thought it was mine. I quickly darted in to an available stall and witnessed the feet of someone else repeating what I had just attempted, again this floater would not go away. Gagging, I finished my business, did a quick handwash and avoided that restroom for the remainder of the day. Just like the titantic, it apparently did sink at some point. To have the guts to drop that at work is amazing.
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